It's Been A While...

It's been a while since my last post, and I thought I was doing better. Then, I get a text message from my ex. He has the kids at Busch Gardens and wants to know if it's okay if Lorrie (the home-wrecking-whore) join them. What the fuck am I supposed to say? So, here's an email I sent him today:

I have a lot of things on my mind and heart right now. For the past two days, pieces of the puzzle that is my life have been clicking together, and a lot of it has been very painful. But, through pain, one can gain great insight. There are some things that I think you should know:

You will never know, understand, or comprehend the amount of pain that you have caused me over the past 11 years. I have never given myself so completely and honestly to anyone in my entire life...not my friends...not my family. But there was always you. Then to find out that the majority of that time has been spent living a complete lie hurts like Hell. Here's what you should know. The affair with Jessica hurt me so deeply in ways that I could not even understand at the time. I truly felt that I could get past it - forgive and forget, and in my heart and mind, what I have control over, I did just that. But I think that there was a subconscious element that held onto that pain. Then, to feel those exact same feelings with regard to Lorrie and to have the two of you lie to me again - I just cannot even begin to describe how much this has hurt me. But suddenly, the last year or so began to make sense. Last year, about this same time, every other sentence and story that you had to share had Lorrie in it. I shared with you how that made me feel. We're on a vacation, you're talking about Lorrie the entire time, and yet I'm supposed to be so turned on that I want nothing more than to make passionate love to you the entire weekend(?). Then, I remember that night that you told me that you didn't want to be with me anymore (the 1st time) - we were sitting on your bed in your mom's house. It was a night last December. Then there was always the issue with you and Lorrie and your friendship. The lies. The cover-ups. The pictures. The pain. The fact is, the two of you have acted very selfishly in all of this, and our marriage never stood a chance because of YOUR choice. Our marriage that I fought so hard for. That I gave up everything in my life for. My family. My friends. My own dignity to come back to a man who would have sex with another woman while we were married. Yet, here I am now, stuck in FL, with no real family and having pushed the majority of my friends away trying to deal with what they cannot even begin to understand. And for what? More pain? To have my instincts proven correct? To have a woman who I feel is a home-wrecking-whore influencing my daughters? Me getting to do all of the "Mom" stuff while you get to be "fun-Dad" or now "fun-Dad and Lorrie"?? This is what I have to live with and look forward to? No. I took this job and stayed in this area so as not to be selfish, but I am so tired of being the one to give up myself to make your life easier. I cannot live a life where the only one I can count on for help is you. Because, through all the lies and pain, I don't want to count on you. I cannot go anywhere or do anything on my own, trainings, grad school, dates, without you being involved in some capacity. This is not fair to either of us. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to change it. But I suppose that it will eventually lead to what we both probably supposed would be inevitable at some point...moving back home. I just needed to get this off my chest and let you know where I am currently in dealing with these cards you dealt me...

I don't know if moving home is the answer. But I don't know where else to go. How am I supposed to have a life here having only him to rely on? I couldn't rely on him to keep his vows when we were married. Now, I'm supposed to be able to rely on him for my ability to move on with my own life? Does that even makes sense?

Theme Song

I found my theme song for 2010 - at least where the divorce is concerned. The lucky winner of this year's "Put My Crappy Life to Words" contest? (drumroll please)... Linkin Park's NUMB:

"i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
i don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you

i've
become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second i waste is more than i can take

but i know
i may end up failing too
but i know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you"

I can especially relate to the stanza about feeling smothered. I feel like the life around me, our old life, smothers me. When I go back to the old house, pull up to our old church, or try to keep in touch with "our" friends...it's like I just can't catch my breath. I just feel this need to completely break free. Break away. Leave the past...in the past. To quote another favorite song, "I got my rear-view mirror torn off, and I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact!" Why can I not just transition? Why does everything have to be so cut and dry in order for me to be able to process it? I hate it. I know that I am losing and hurting some really good friends, but it hurts to try to be close to the ones who were "rooting" for us to work it out. Why? Maybe I feel like I let them down. Whether I did or not, I know that I am letting them down now. I just need to figure out who I am, who I want to be...real. I'm so tired of all the fake. I just want to be true to me and to what I feel. But when you try so hard not to feel... It's just a mess, so, in step with my theme song, it's easier to just become numb. The alternative is pain that I just can't process yet.

The Last 30 Minutes of My Marriage

Well, today's the day. In about 26 minutes my husband will stand before a judge and officially become my ex-husband. How strange is that? Of course, all of this change has caused me to do some reflecting, and I feel the need to capture these thoughts and feelings.

I'm trying to tell myself that nothing is actually ending today. The marriage ended a long time ago; I was just too foolish to admit it. Today is just about the paperwork. So, what is changing? I'm not sure when, but my marriage became a huge part of who I am. Part of the answer to the "Who am I?" question has been "a wife" for over 10 years now. But what does that even mean, and where did I get all of the ideas (misconceptions) as to what it means to be a wife? Being a wife does NOT mean giving up yourself. My husband never asked me to do this, I just felt that I should. I got to a point where I felt that I should not have any fun unless he was a part of it. And wives should be classy and well-put-together. They shouldn't be trampy or sexy. Hmmmmmmm. I lost what I feel was my sex-appeal; therefore, sex was not appealing. For many years, I've had no real physical attraction to my husband. Whew! I thought I'd never say that one out loud. I don't know why this is the case because he is very attractive. Maybe I knew him too well? Maybe there was some element of mistrust after the affair that caused me to not be able to give myself to him completely? I don't know. While I don't have an exact answer as to how we got to this point, from this moment on, I hope to look at this divorce as a new beginning. Though we may not be in love, we love our kids - and we are good parents and good providers. I am hopeful that our relationship will always continue to be light and friendly. I know that there will be circumstances that come in to play at some point that will make things complicated, but, if we continue to put the girls first, then we'll always agree that we are doing the right thing.

There are no regrets. There is only the present.

"I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly."

The Papers Are Signed. Now We Just Wait.

Well, he brought the last of the paperwork over tonight for me to sign. And I did. I have nothing left to hold on to. He'd already signed everything anyway. I think we're at a point now where, even if there were doubts, there's no turning back. Why would we? We've come this far? Of course, I had to ask if he was sure this was what he wanted. It is. I'm okay with it. At least I don't have to continue to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not in love with him - but I hate the idea of our marriage ending. I've never ever thought that I would get divorced. I stood by him through the affair - well, the one I know about. And I was willing to stand by him through so much more, but now I don't really have to. It's kind of liberating. I can take some time and be a little selfish if I want. I can let go of some of this resentment...maybe.

He says that the divorce doesn't really change the way we've lived for the last 10 years. That really hurts. I feel like he's never had a moment of joy. Maybe I have been a ball and chain. Maybe I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him once he moved away from Murray. Maybe I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him after I found out about his affair with our 18 year old neighbor. Maybe I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him after finding naked pictures of his "friend" in his phone. Or, maybe I should have fought even harder? Maybe I'm just tired of fighting? Now, I can just focus on something more simple and natural.

Looking back
on the memory of
The dance we shared
beneath the stars above,
For a moment,
all the world was right.
How could I have known
that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now,
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end-
the way it all would go.
Our lives
are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd of had to miss
the dance.

Like I'm Living a Teenage Dream...

It's so strange to have someone in my life who literally gives me that feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. I like it. It's not the best situation when you look at it from all angles, but when you focus only on the present moment, that feeling of being "wanted" sure makes it worth it. It's been years since I've felt this way. I'm not looking for love, not right now, and probably never with this particular person. I am pretty sure that I will always be attracted to men who are toxic and to relationships that are destined to fail. Isn't it strange that one can enter a situation knowing that it's bad and then be surprised when they end up in pain?

"You make me feel
like I'm living a
teenage dream..."

Here's to the here and now...and to the calm before the storm. The divorce is final on Wednesday.

Nikki

Someone asked me how I was doing, and it occurred to me that I don't really know!

So, today while I was at work, someone asked me how I was doing. It was asked in passing, and the other party didn't really care for a response (or realize that she was opening a rather large can of worms). I realized that I don't really have a response - not a true and honest response anyway.

So, I decided that keeping a blog might be the best and most convenient way to deal with the divorce. I hope that this will be a place where I can be honest with myself about how I feel (or don't feel). I don't know, this seemed like a good idea, but now, it's sounding kind of dumb. I just need a place where I dump all of my feelings out and step back and look at them. I haven't decided if I want anyone else to be able to read this or not. I'm thinking that I'll leave it public and just not "advertise" it. I don't want to have to alter any thoughts or info for fear of who might read this. Like I said, I need a forum to vent, cry, laugh, and feel.

How am I? Well, today was a pretty good day. I took a step back today and tried to figure out why I was so angry. I wake up in the morning, and I just feel angry. Well, it's not anger really, but that's the easiest way to describe it. It's more like I just have a lack of joy or passion. I wake up resenting that I have to get the girls ready for school, get myself ready...blah, blah, blah. I realized that I need to make time to ENJOY these things instead of rushing through them. A song popped into my head:

Chorus:: Lay down your burden. I will carry you. I will carry you, my child, my child.

I realized that I might be feeling this "lack of joy" because I am trying to carry this burden (the divorce) alone. Why? Why do I do this? I know God is there, but I can't help but to feel that I need to do this on my own. I try so hard to protect everyone around me, including God, from the pain that I feel; yet, my "lack of joy" causes them pain. I'm still processing all of this and trying to decide what to do with this information - it's just something that I realized.

I'm having a hard time with God right now. There I said it. It's in writing. The world can know. I don't know if I'm angry with Him that I am in this state, in this valley, or if I am afraid that I have let Him down. I've stopped wanting to go to church because I feel the same way about my church family. I've let them down. This divorce proves that I am not who they thought I was. Now that I'm not who they thought I was (or who I thought I was) - who am I? That is the question that I'm seeking to answer. It really stinks that time is the only thing that will actually answer that question. I know it's wrong that I want to drink, party, and sleep around - not that so much as just wanting to be desired. Maybe this divorce ("I don't want to be with you any more") has left me needing to be wanted - and I mean really wanted. I think that is what I've been seeking, and I hate it. I've proven that it can only lead to bad choices (I haven't decided whether to go public with that yet).

"I’ve just come into a valley one like I’ve never been before.
I keep searching for a way out seems like pad locks are on the doors.
Oh ther must be another sunrise another sunset that I’ll see.
God will make this trial a blessing that’s the love he has for me."

I'm trying to remember this; I really am...