I have a lot of things on my mind and heart right now. For the past two days, pieces of the puzzle that is my life have been clicking together, and a lot of it has been very painful. But, through pain, one can gain great insight. There are some things that I think you should know:
You will never know, understand, or comprehend the amount of pain that you have caused me over the past 11 years. I have never given myself so completely and honestly to anyone in my entire life...not my friends...not my family. But there was always you. Then to find out that the majority of that time has been spent living a complete lie hurts like Hell. Here's what you should know. The affair with Jessica hurt me so deeply in ways that I could not even understand at the time. I truly felt that I could get past it - forgive and forget, and in my heart and mind, what I have control over, I did just that. But I think that there was a subconscious element that held onto that pain. Then, to feel those exact same feelings with regard to Lorrie and to have the two of you lie to me again - I just cannot even begin to describe how much this has hurt me. But suddenly, the last year or so began to make sense. Last year, about this same time, every other sentence and story that you had to share had Lorrie in it. I shared with you how that made me feel. We're on a vacation, you're talking about Lorrie the entire time, and yet I'm supposed to be so turned on that I want nothing more than to make passionate love to you the entire weekend(?). Then, I remember that night that you told me that you didn't want to be with me anymore (the 1st time) - we were sitting on your bed in your mom's house. It was a night last December. Then there was always the issue with you and Lorrie and your friendship. The lies. The cover-ups. The pictures. The pain. The fact is, the two of you have acted very selfishly in all of this, and our marriage never stood a chance because of YOUR choice. Our marriage that I fought so hard for. That I gave up everything in my life for. My family. My friends. My own dignity to come back to a man who would have sex with another woman while we were married. Yet, here I am now, stuck in FL, with no real family and having pushed the majority of my friends away trying to deal with what they cannot even begin to understand. And for what? More pain? To have my instincts proven correct? To have a woman who I feel is a home-wrecking-whore influencing my daughters? Me getting to do all of the "Mom" stuff while you get to be "fun-Dad" or now "fun-Dad and Lorrie"?? This is what I have to live with and look forward to? No. I took this job and stayed in this area so as not to be selfish, but I am so tired of being the one to give up myself to make your life easier. I cannot live a life where the only one I can count on for help is you. Because, through all the lies and pain, I don't want to count on you. I cannot go anywhere or do anything on my own, trainings, grad school, dates, without you being involved in some capacity. This is not fair to either of us. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to change it. But I suppose that it will eventually lead to what we both probably supposed would be inevitable at some point...moving back home. I just needed to get this off my chest and let you know where I am currently in dealing with these cards you dealt me...
I don't know if moving home is the answer. But I don't know where else to go. How am I supposed to have a life here having only him to rely on? I couldn't rely on him to keep his vows when we were married. Now, I'm supposed to be able to rely on him for my ability to move on with my own life? Does that even makes sense?
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