Theme Song

I found my theme song for 2010 - at least where the divorce is concerned. The lucky winner of this year's "Put My Crappy Life to Words" contest? (drumroll please)... Linkin Park's NUMB:

"i'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
i don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you

i've
become so numb
i can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i'm becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that i take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second i waste is more than i can take

but i know
i may end up failing too
but i know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you"

I can especially relate to the stanza about feeling smothered. I feel like the life around me, our old life, smothers me. When I go back to the old house, pull up to our old church, or try to keep in touch with "our" friends...it's like I just can't catch my breath. I just feel this need to completely break free. Break away. Leave the past...in the past. To quote another favorite song, "I got my rear-view mirror torn off, and I ain't never lookin' back. And that's a fact!" Why can I not just transition? Why does everything have to be so cut and dry in order for me to be able to process it? I hate it. I know that I am losing and hurting some really good friends, but it hurts to try to be close to the ones who were "rooting" for us to work it out. Why? Maybe I feel like I let them down. Whether I did or not, I know that I am letting them down now. I just need to figure out who I am, who I want to be...real. I'm so tired of all the fake. I just want to be true to me and to what I feel. But when you try so hard not to feel... It's just a mess, so, in step with my theme song, it's easier to just become numb. The alternative is pain that I just can't process yet.