The Last 30 Minutes of My Marriage

Well, today's the day. In about 26 minutes my husband will stand before a judge and officially become my ex-husband. How strange is that? Of course, all of this change has caused me to do some reflecting, and I feel the need to capture these thoughts and feelings.

I'm trying to tell myself that nothing is actually ending today. The marriage ended a long time ago; I was just too foolish to admit it. Today is just about the paperwork. So, what is changing? I'm not sure when, but my marriage became a huge part of who I am. Part of the answer to the "Who am I?" question has been "a wife" for over 10 years now. But what does that even mean, and where did I get all of the ideas (misconceptions) as to what it means to be a wife? Being a wife does NOT mean giving up yourself. My husband never asked me to do this, I just felt that I should. I got to a point where I felt that I should not have any fun unless he was a part of it. And wives should be classy and well-put-together. They shouldn't be trampy or sexy. Hmmmmmmm. I lost what I feel was my sex-appeal; therefore, sex was not appealing. For many years, I've had no real physical attraction to my husband. Whew! I thought I'd never say that one out loud. I don't know why this is the case because he is very attractive. Maybe I knew him too well? Maybe there was some element of mistrust after the affair that caused me to not be able to give myself to him completely? I don't know. While I don't have an exact answer as to how we got to this point, from this moment on, I hope to look at this divorce as a new beginning. Though we may not be in love, we love our kids - and we are good parents and good providers. I am hopeful that our relationship will always continue to be light and friendly. I know that there will be circumstances that come in to play at some point that will make things complicated, but, if we continue to put the girls first, then we'll always agree that we are doing the right thing.

There are no regrets. There is only the present.

"I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly."