The Papers Are Signed. Now We Just Wait.

Well, he brought the last of the paperwork over tonight for me to sign. And I did. I have nothing left to hold on to. He'd already signed everything anyway. I think we're at a point now where, even if there were doubts, there's no turning back. Why would we? We've come this far? Of course, I had to ask if he was sure this was what he wanted. It is. I'm okay with it. At least I don't have to continue to pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not in love with him - but I hate the idea of our marriage ending. I've never ever thought that I would get divorced. I stood by him through the affair - well, the one I know about. And I was willing to stand by him through so much more, but now I don't really have to. It's kind of liberating. I can take some time and be a little selfish if I want. I can let go of some of this resentment...maybe.

He says that the divorce doesn't really change the way we've lived for the last 10 years. That really hurts. I feel like he's never had a moment of joy. Maybe I have been a ball and chain. Maybe I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him once he moved away from Murray. Maybe I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him after I found out about his affair with our 18 year old neighbor. Maybe I shouldn't have fought so hard to keep him after finding naked pictures of his "friend" in his phone. Or, maybe I should have fought even harder? Maybe I'm just tired of fighting? Now, I can just focus on something more simple and natural.

Looking back
on the memory of
The dance we shared
beneath the stars above,
For a moment,
all the world was right.
How could I have known
that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now,
I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end-
the way it all would go.
Our lives
are better left to chance;
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd of had to miss
the dance.