Someone asked me how I was doing, and it occurred to me that I don't really know!

So, today while I was at work, someone asked me how I was doing. It was asked in passing, and the other party didn't really care for a response (or realize that she was opening a rather large can of worms). I realized that I don't really have a response - not a true and honest response anyway.

So, I decided that keeping a blog might be the best and most convenient way to deal with the divorce. I hope that this will be a place where I can be honest with myself about how I feel (or don't feel). I don't know, this seemed like a good idea, but now, it's sounding kind of dumb. I just need a place where I dump all of my feelings out and step back and look at them. I haven't decided if I want anyone else to be able to read this or not. I'm thinking that I'll leave it public and just not "advertise" it. I don't want to have to alter any thoughts or info for fear of who might read this. Like I said, I need a forum to vent, cry, laugh, and feel.

How am I? Well, today was a pretty good day. I took a step back today and tried to figure out why I was so angry. I wake up in the morning, and I just feel angry. Well, it's not anger really, but that's the easiest way to describe it. It's more like I just have a lack of joy or passion. I wake up resenting that I have to get the girls ready for school, get myself ready...blah, blah, blah. I realized that I need to make time to ENJOY these things instead of rushing through them. A song popped into my head:

Chorus:: Lay down your burden. I will carry you. I will carry you, my child, my child.

I realized that I might be feeling this "lack of joy" because I am trying to carry this burden (the divorce) alone. Why? Why do I do this? I know God is there, but I can't help but to feel that I need to do this on my own. I try so hard to protect everyone around me, including God, from the pain that I feel; yet, my "lack of joy" causes them pain. I'm still processing all of this and trying to decide what to do with this information - it's just something that I realized.

I'm having a hard time with God right now. There I said it. It's in writing. The world can know. I don't know if I'm angry with Him that I am in this state, in this valley, or if I am afraid that I have let Him down. I've stopped wanting to go to church because I feel the same way about my church family. I've let them down. This divorce proves that I am not who they thought I was. Now that I'm not who they thought I was (or who I thought I was) - who am I? That is the question that I'm seeking to answer. It really stinks that time is the only thing that will actually answer that question. I know it's wrong that I want to drink, party, and sleep around - not that so much as just wanting to be desired. Maybe this divorce ("I don't want to be with you any more") has left me needing to be wanted - and I mean really wanted. I think that is what I've been seeking, and I hate it. I've proven that it can only lead to bad choices (I haven't decided whether to go public with that yet).

"I’ve just come into a valley one like I’ve never been before.
I keep searching for a way out seems like pad locks are on the doors.
Oh ther must be another sunrise another sunset that I’ll see.
God will make this trial a blessing that’s the love he has for me."

I'm trying to remember this; I really am...